Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It.

A lot of people don't struggle with having a fulfilling sex life due to lack of attraction, chemistry or even technique. It's actually because their partner is sexually selfish as all get out and they're not quite sure what to do about it.

How Does a Selfish Lover Get Down?

Listen, I've shared before that I once heard (and am a firm believer of it being true) that sex is a good barometer of a relationship. More specifically, goo
d sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent of the relationship because sex lets us know how two people are communicating and connecting overall. As all of this specifically relates to a selfish lover, more times than not, if someone is self-serving in the bedroom, again, it's usually because they are that way in other areas too. And just so we're clear, what are some very telling signs that your lover is indeed sexually selfish? For the sake of your time and my space, I'll offer up 10 of 'em.

They mostly care about having sex, only when they are in the mood.

The foreplay either sucks or is non-existent.

Once they get their orgasm, sex becomes lackluster or is even over.

You don't truly feel emotionally connected before, after or during the act.

They are not up to try new things.

You can't remember the last time romance was involved.

They are all about receiving oral sex yet sucks at or passes on giving.

No idea what afterplay is.

Orgasms are like sighting Big Foot.

You can't remember the last time you felt fully satisfied.

The good news is there are a few things that you can try that can get your partner to break out of such a ridiculously frustrating (for you) shell. So, just what should you do about a selfish lover?

POINT #1. Tell them. Non-Selfishly.

Sex is a form of communication, right? However, in a relationship, it's not the only one. The reality is that the best lovers are people who make sure they are mentally and emotionally connected with their partner, even when they are nowhere near their bedroom.

Listen, if you are a woman then you will need to catch this point; men don't do the passive aggressive thing nearly as much as women do. What that means is, if you've got a problem with something, you really need to say it. Say it clearly. Say it concisely. Yet also say it kindly with the intent of making things better not worse. No one wants to be told that they suck in bed. The point here is to alert him to how you're feeling about the intimacy — or lack thereof — between the two of you because you want things to get better. Tell him what you need and want, how not receiving it makes you feel and how resolving the matter will ultimately make sex so much better — for you both.

POINT #2: Meet them Halfway. For a Season.

It's petty (and to me, being petty is pretty childish) to "punish" your partner for being a selfish lover. Y'all know what punishment looks like — withholding, just lying there, hemming-and-hawing throughout the entire experience, "having a headache" all of the time, hinting at how unhappy you are, even during the act. Besides, taking these kinds of approaches usually does more harm than good because it will eventually make you (more) resentful and cause him to retreat inwardly. Before you know it, now it's a sexless rather than selfish situation.

My recommendation? Meet them where there are at. What I mean by that is, an outstanding lover is going to go above and beyond to make sure their partner is good — and that's great. Problem is, if you've got a lazy person on your hands, they won't seek to do much more because they will think that the little they are doing is enough (because they are getting "rewarded" for it). On the other hand, if you've got an egomaniac in your sheets, they will feel like they deserve all of the time, effort and energy that you are putting in, even if they aren't showing that much reciprocity.

So, scale back a bit. After you've stated your needs, watch and see if they rise to the occasion (no pun intended) by doing more. The only way you'll really be able to notice (at least initially) is if you don't do most of the "work". Let them initiate going down on you. Let them work to make sure you get yours first. Let them reach out to cuddle with you after sex.

Listen, at the end of the day, all of us have some level of selfishness in us. It doesn't make us a bad person altogether. The thing is, if we're striving to improve, once our selfish ways are brought to our attention, slowly yet surely, we'll start to switch up — when people give us the room and space to do so. Otherwise, if they keep doing everything…we may never learn. Or change. Sexual selfishness is not excluded here.

POINT #3: FAKE. NOTHING.

This is specifically for women! How much do I loathe the entire concept of faking orgasms? Fake is so…fake. And when you've got a selfish lover on your hands, it's also counterproductive as all get out because while he's being self-consumed, you're being disingenuous. What about any of that conveys sexual bliss? The reality is, if someone has been sexually selfish for a long period of time, it's going to take them a while to learn how to become more…generous. While they are figuring it out, intimacy between the two of you should still transpire yet there is no need to act like you've "been to the mountaintop" when that isn't the case.

Enjoy being together. Acknowledge steps that are being made. Yet don't fake pure ecstasy unless it has actually happened. Why? Because a selfish lover doesn't need a pretender in their midst. They need someone who is open, honest and patient — the foundational basis of any good sexual experience, wouldn't you say?

Oh, and while we're here, remember how I said that a selfish lover is usually selfish in other areas as well? That said, avoid "faking it" in your relationship, period. Sis, the same points that apply to sex apply overall because intimacy isn't just about sex. Bottom line, if you've got a selfish man who truly loves you, once you follow through with these things, you should notice some shifts (it shouldn't take forever either). If you don't, well, you've got some real pondering to do because if someone is too self-consumed to meet your needs, after you stated them, do they even deserve you? In the bedroom or out?

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