To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase

"Sexual Staircase" describes the kind of routine, goal-oriented sex that people engage in when they're having sex with their partner

What is the Sexual Staircase?

The Sexual Staircase, which is a metaphor, is how most people think sex is "supposed to be."

The Sexual Staircase is a list of hierarchical steps that usually start at the bottom of the staircase with foreplay and ends with sexual intercourse and orgasm.

Depending upon the couple, the sexual acts between foreplay and intercourse can include kissing, caressing, genital touch, oral sex, and so on.

For many people in long term relationships these steps don't deviate. They engage in the same steps in the same way most or all of the time.

After a while, people in long term relationships often skip some of the steps as they prioritize a goal-oriented approach that always ends with penetrative sex and strives for orgasm.

Having sex the same way all the time becomes boring after a while.

What's the Problem With the Sexual Staircase?

If you and your partner enjoy doing the same thing, the same way all of the time and neither of you have a problem with it, then there's nothing wrong with the Sexual Staircase for you.

But many people find this approach to be too routine and unfulfilling. The problem is that they think this is the way they're supposed to do it, so they just keep doing it the same way.

People who find the Sexual Staircase boring, sexually unfulfilling or not applicable to them often have the following problems with it:

It's a heteronormative sex script that focuses on cisgender heterosexual men. For heterosexual men, sexual intercourse is one of the most reliable ways to have an orgasm, but this isn't the case for most women

It assumes that most people want penis-in-vagina sex even though there are many people who don't want it or it doesn't work for them because of problems with dyspareunia (persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs during penetrative sex) or erectile unpredictability (a persistent or recurrent problem with getting and maintaining an erect penis) or because they're not heterosexual .

Sexual intercourse is the least reliable way for most women to have orgasms because they need direct clitoral stimulation, which they often don't get from sexual intercourse or clitoral stimulation is skipped altogether .

The Sexual Staircase emphasizes goal-oriented, performative sex instead of focusing on sexual pleasure.

In many long term relationships, the Sexual Staircase gets shorter and shorter over time so that there is little or no foreplay, which has a negative impact of women's sexual pleasure. The focus becomes getting sex over and done with it as quickly as possible because it's unsatisfying.

In addition to problems with painful sex and erectile unpredictability, penetrative sex isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, including childbirth, certain disabilities, age-related physical limitations, surgery or other types of problems.

When penetrative sex isn't possible (for whatever reason), many couples skip having sex altogether because penetrative sex is the only way they know how to have sex. Over time, one or both of them become frustrated and dissatisfied.

The Wheel Model

Picture a wheel that's divided into different sections with sexual activities represented in a non-hierarchical way.

Rather than the linear, hierarchical model represented in the Sexual Staircase, in the Wheel Model none of the sexual activities has a higher priority over any of the others. Other than sexual pleasure, there are no goals, which usually means less pressure for both people and more enjoyment.

In addition, with the Wheel Model, people can engage flexibly pick and choose what they like, in whatever order they like without being constrained to the rigid model of the Sexual Staircase.

An example of what sexual activities might be included in the Wheel Model:

Kissing

Caressing

Touching

Massaging

Using a sex toy

Showering together

Cuddling

Oral sex

Orgasm

Penetrative sex

Manual stimulation

And more.

The sexual activities included with the Wheel Model are only limited by your imagination.

But this is not to say that you and your partner should engage in the activities they write about or that you should stop having sexual intercourse if it's enjoyable to both of you. You can do whatever you both enjoy.

The Wheel Model helps to dispel the myth that there's one right way to have sex or that everyone should have the same predetermined sex script.

Making Changes to Your Sex Script

Once again, I want to reiterate that if you and your partner are happy with your sex script, you can continue using it without a problem.

But if you're stuck in a routine and you're getting tired of doing the same thing over and over again, consider how you can work towards making changes in your sex script

Pleasure is the measure.

This means "good sex" is what's pleasurable for both of you.

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